The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.’
The priest said, ‘Confess your sins and be forgiven.’
The young woman said, ‘Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.’
The priest thought long and hard and then said, ‘Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.’
The young woman asked, ‘Will this cleanse me of my sins?’
The priest said, ‘No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.’
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
Confession An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old . . . . I’m telling everybody!’
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.
’90?’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realise that you’ve had it?’
‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’
‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards! ‘
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Wife: ‘Nothing . . . ? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
Wife: ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
Mum: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied , ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.‘
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
Welcome to “In The Studio with Lennis”, we are so glad you join us. Today’s hot topic is, Ferguson, Sports, Entertainment News, and Weather, Commentary. Time is at 6pm PST, today, phone 646-727-2914. blogtalkradio.com/Lennis. THE ESSENCE OF SUCCESS RADIO NETWORK.
Congrats to Singer Marc Anthony. Anthony took wife number 3 this week when he married 26 year old model Shannon De Lima. She has a seven-year old son. Anthony, 46, has six children including a pair of twins with ex-wife Superstar Jennifer Lopez.
Philip Bailey, the lead singer of Earth, Wind & Fire, is coming to Philly. On Saturday, he is doing a book signing and talk about his new memoir Shining Star: Braving The Elements Of Earth, Wind & Fire. Speaking of The Elements Of The Universe, the legendary group just released a Christmas CD called Holiday, and the CD features classics like Joy To The World, Sleigh Ride and The Little Drummer Boy.
Gospel Singer Marvin Sapp is also coming to Philly. Monday, December 1st he’s in concert at the New Covenant Church, 7500 Germantown Avenue. It’s a concert sponsored by Bebashi, the full service HIV/AIDS organization with special interest in serving low-income people of color with HIV. I will be your host for the event.
Gabrielle Union’s BET drama Being Mary Jane returns Tuesday, February 3rd at 10pm.
Alicia Keys and her hubby Swizz Beatz are expecting their second child any day now on the heels of her new children’s book. It’s a book about the singer’s relationship with her grandmother. The children’s book, entitled Blue Moon: From the Journals of Mama Mae and LeeLee, is out now.
Randy Jackson is leaving American Idol after 13 years. Jackson was one of the original judges along with Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. He started out as a judge then moved on to being a mentor for the show. Season 14 of American Idol resumes in January with Jennifer Lopez, Harry Connick, Jr. and Keith Urban.
Also coming in January is the FOX show Empire. The Lee Daniels hip hop music drama debuts stars Terrence Howard, Taraji P. Henson and Gabourey Sidibe.
Stevie Wonder is getting a White House Honor. Later this month the music legend is being honored at the White House. He is getting the Presidential Medal of Freedom in a ceremony hosted by President Obama. Wonder is going to be honored along with Journalist Tom Brokaw, Oscar Winner Meryl Streep and Stephen Sondheim. In other Stevie Wonder news, he is not having triplets!!! The Motown legend confirmed he and his girlfriend, Tomeeka Robyn Bracy, just had a baby last year, and this year, she is pregnant again, but with only one child! It’s a girl, and they are naming her Nia. Stevie Wonder is 64-years old. He is still in divorce proceedings with Fashion Designer Kai Miller. The That Girl singer is in concert in Philly on this Sunday, November 16th at The Wells Fargo Center.
Johnny Gill is enlisting New Edition and Bobby Brown for his latest album marking the first time in 10 years they’ve recorded together. They all have been touring together but not recording. Gill’s latest album, The Game Changer, comes out December 9th. Babyface is also helping out with the project.
Is there an Usher sex tape?!!!!! The Good Kisser singer was reportedly the victim of a car break in. Besides jewelry and a lap top, reportedly a sex tape with his ex-wife Tameka was among the stolen items too. Word is Usher is trying to track down the thieves before the sex tape is sold and goes public.
Nick Cannon is determined to play Comic Legend Richard Pryor. Cannon was snubbed in his effort to star in a big screen version of the legend’s life. So, Cannon is turning his attention to TV in a project with NBC. Cannon already has a great relationship with the network since he hosts their top-rated reality show America’s Got Talent. That big screen movie Cannon originally wanted is now being made with Lee Daniels and Oprah Winfrey at the helm, and Comedian Mike Epps starring as Pryor.
Speaking of movies produced by Oprah, one of the most anticipated movies of the new year is Selma. The movie, produced by The Mighty O and Directed by Ava DuVernay (Middle of Nowhere), focuses on the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. during the 1965 Selma Alabama March that he led. The movie stars David Oyelowo as Dr. King. Carmen Ejogo as Coretta Scott King. The movie also features Cuba Gooding, Jr., Wendell Pierce, Tessa Thompson (Dear White People), Singer Ledisi as Mahalia Jackson and Oprah Winfrey. The movie opens in limited release Christmas Day in New York and Los Angeles, and then it opens nationwide January 9th. The trailer is powerful, and you can check it out on our website WDASFM.com. There is also early Oscar buzz on the movie. DuVernay could make history as the first African American woman nominated as Best Director for her work on Selma.
This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, Your wife has had quints, five big baby boys.”
The redneck said, “I’m not surprised. I have a penis on me like a chimney.”
The nurse replied, “You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.”
Chinese government hackers are suspected of breaching the U.S. Postal Service computers, gaining access to the personal information on some 800,000 employees. The hacking was discovered mid-September, and the FBI is investigating the breach. The USPS announced the hacking Monday, the same day that President Obama arrived in Beijing for talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. Security breaches at the Office of Personnel Management and government contractor USIS earlier this year were linked to China. The country has consistently denied the allegations and says Chinese law forbids cybercrimes.