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To do it, or not to do it: That is the question of casual sex – at least as depicted on film.
In both “Friends With Benefits” (currently playing) and the previously released “No Strings Attached,” casual sex is anything but casual. It’s carefully weighed, hotly debated, methodically scrutinized and, of course, comically miscalculated. As in most romantic comedies, the casual sex turns out to be quite committed and just a part of falling in love and living happily ever after.
In the movies, blind lust and romantic love often intersect seamlessly, but in reality, casual sex is often an emotional dead-end rather than an on-ramp to relationship bliss.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher describes love as a three-phase system:
1) Lust, in which we can attach to anyone.
2) Attraction, in which lust finds its focus and blossoms into romantic love.
3) Attachment, in which romantic love matures into a long-term relationship.
Casual sex is often an expression of Phase 1 (lust at its most unfocused), but, unfortunately, many people go into it with the false hope that it will lead to romantic love. And that’s where life does not imitate the movies.
That’s not to say that casual sex is a bad thing. It can be loads of fun, as well as a way of trying out new things and practicing your sex skills for that future special person. But casual sex isn’t always so simple.
As my colleague Emily Nagoski, author of the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, writes, “Especially when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time, the question of what it is you actually want when you want sex is very complicated indeed. Because what do you want, when you want sex? Do you want to get laid? Do you want a relationship? Do you want love? Do you want revenge? Do you want to rebel? Do you want to get pregnant? … Then there’s the question of whether or not (and what kind of) sex will get you what you want. Sex will get you laid. Whether or not it gets you a relationship or love or revenge or rebellion or a baby is less certain, and so the decision becomes complicated.”
Casual sex has its risks and rewards, although the movies tend to focus more on the risk of falling in love than, say, the very real consequence of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.
As the authors of “Sex in America” write of their interviews with more than 3,000 people, “Although we find that large numbers of Americans have had a sexually transmitted disease at least once in their lives, there is nothing random about where the diseases strike … the people who are most likely to be infected share one key characteristic: They have many sex partners.”
As it turns out, if a man has two to four sexual partners in his lifetime, his chances of ever having contracted a sexually transmitted infection are about 3%.
As the number of partners increases, so does the risk. With more than 20 partners, his risk is about 28%, almost a 1,000% increase. The same rough pattern is true of women, with the spectrum of percentages increasing from 5% to 35%.
It should therefore come as no surprise that the more partners a person has had, the more likely it is that he or she has engaged with those partners outside of a monogamous relationship, and that his or her partner falls into a similar pattern of casual sex, thereby greatly increasing the risk of having come into contact with a sexually transmitted infection.
Casual sex could trigger a domino effect of risky behaviors.
“The more partners an individual has,” according to “Sex in America,” “the more likely he or she is to have sex with people who themselves have many partners, the more likely he or she is to have sex with virtual strangers, the more likely she or he is to have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol during some sexual encounters, and while it is more likely that a condom was used, the rate of increased use of a condom does not seem great enough to offset the higher risks of infection.”
I’m not trying to scare anyone out of casual sex. As Dr. Alex Comfort had to say in his book “The Joy of Sex,” “There is no occasion for panic, or for losing out on the joy of sex – simply informed caution.”
So is casual sex worth it? You tell me. Like the recent spate of movies, does it ever have a happy ending?
R Kelly’s Chicago mansion has gone into foreclosure. Apparently, Kelly has not made a payment on the house since June of last year. The home has six bathrooms and a four-car garage. Kelly had it built 11 years ago.
Is Fantasia pregnant? She sure looks very pregnant. She recently turned 27 and she has been very quiet. Is Fantasia pregnant? Will she reveal all? She is still with her married boyfriend, and sources say she is due by the end of the year. Fantasia has been through a lot with Antwaun Cook, who has two children by his wife.Fantasia had signed on for the Mahalia Jackson movie, but that may be put on hold if she’s pregnant.
Garcelle Beauvais is on the new issue of Jet magazine. Beauvais talks about the betrayal that ended her marriage. Beauvais was married to C.A.A. Hollywood Talent Agent Mike Nilon. They have two beautiful twin boys, Jax and Jaid, but her world came crashing down when she found out he was having a long standing affair with another woman. She was married to Nilon for nine years, and he was having an affair for five years of their marriage.
Tichina Arnold’s latest TV gig debuts June 15th on the TV Land network. Arnoldis best known for playing “Pam” on the Martin show and “Rochelle” on Everybody Hates Chris. Arnold is teaming up with Fran Dresher for the new series Happily Divorced. Arnoldis getting ready to get married to Darico Hines, the assistant coach of men’s basketball at St. John’s University. She is also going to release a long awaited jazz and R&B album.
Taraji P. Henson is also headed to TV this fall playing a detective in the CBS drama Person Of Interest.
Jill Scott, Kem, Kirk Franklin and Kevin Hart will be joining Steve Harvey in Las Vegas for The Hoodie Awards, August 11-14th.
Actress Kerry Washington will be staring in the new Shonda Rhimes produced-TV drama Scandal. Rhimes is known for her TV smashes Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice. Scandal debuts this fall on ABC.
Aretha Franklin’s latest album, A Woman Falling Out Of Love, is available at Wal-Mart stores.
Congrats to Niecy Nash! She got married over the weekend to Electrical Engineer Jay Tucker. We’ll see the highlights of the wedding and the preparation on the TLC network June 4th.
Actress Naturi Naughton, who used to sing with the group 3LW, has joined the cast of the NBC-TV show The Playboy Club. The show debuts this fall.
The movie Mooz-Lum is out on DVD. The movie starring Evan Ross and Nia Long is about a young African American Muslim who is coming to grips with his life and his religious upbringing.
Jennifer Lopez can’t shake her pesky first husband. Lopez’s ex, Ojani Noa, is trying to release a sex tape with J-Lo. Noa married Lopez in 1997, and he has been a major pain ever since their divorce. Ojani is very angry about her success, and he has been trying to cash in with books and films. Now he is holding a sex tape over her head
Is Rapper Nelly on steroids? Nelly’s ex-manger says the popular rapper is broke and hooked on steroids.
Get well wishes to Funkateer George Clinton. He was recently hospitalized with a staph infection.
Congrats to Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Kim is the proud mom of a baby boy. This is the first child for Kim and 25-year old Football Player Kroy Biermann. Kim has two older daughters. In other Real Housewives Of Atlanta news, NeNe Leakes will be returning for season number four, which kicks off later this year.
Is Halle Berry coming to TV? The Oscar winner is in talks for a possible cable TV show where she would play a college professor. HBO and Showtime are interested in the project.
Maxwell is coming to VH1. Maxwell will be in concert for VH1 Storytellers Friday, June 17th at 11pm. Maxwell is now sporting a light beard. He is being backed by his ten-piece band.
‘Lady Marmalade’ singer and R&B queen Patti LaBelle has been accused of ordering the beating of a West Point cadet at Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston, Texas on March 11. According to the Houston Chronicle, Richard King, 23, was talking to his brother on his cell phone while approaching the airport’s passenger pickup area where Labelle’s limousine happened to be parked.
In security-camera footage of the incident, King is suddenly struck and thrown against a concrete pillar by LaBelle’s body guards and an unidentified woman. King subsequently tries to get up and leave the area but he falls continuously.
“Apparently, defendant LaBelle believed King was standing too close to her (no doubt expensive) luggage, even though he was oblivious to her presence and the danger he was in,” King’s attorney John Raley said in the lawsuit filing. “LaBelle lowered the window of her limousine and gave a command to her bodyguards. They sprang into action.”
SIDEBAR: If you get a chance watch the video, Patti’s bodyguards where a bit to zealous
in their job of protection.
Whitney Houston has checked back into rehab. Houston has a problem, and she realizes she needs help. There have been rumors for a while that Houston has been indulging in drugs and alcohol, but now it has been confirmed. Houston is trying to get herself ready for the movie Getting To Happy, which is the sequel to her box office hit Waiting To Exhale. The original movie came out in 1995, and all the original stars are coming back for the sequel (Angela Bassett, Loretta Devine and Lela Rochon). Forest Whitaker will be directing, and Terry McMillan just finished the movie script. Will Houston be ready to step in front of the cameras? Can she beat her addictions? The past year has been rough for her. Her daughter with Bobby Brown, Bobbi Kris, has been a nightmare with wild partying and drugs. Her ex, Bobby Brown, has remarried and has started a new family. Houston’s last tour overseas was rocky, so she needs this movie. Her rehab is on an outpatient basis. When she is in public, she has a sponsor who monitors her moves.
Rihanna is hitting them hard with her No. 1 hit single this week, “What’s My Name.”
In fact, her achievement is so tremendous that she is the first female solo artist to hit five number one singles in consecutive years. The only other person who has reached this height is Elvis Presley.
The singer actually knocked 22-year-old singer Matt Cardle’s “When We Collide” from No.1 to No. 2 after sitting nice in that spot for three weeks straight.
WJBK FOX 2 News in Detroit is confirming that Franklin is battling pancreatic cancer. A family insider told the station that she’s doing, “OK,” but they ask for the public’s prayers.
The National Enquirer reports that the cancer is incurable and she has less than a year to live.
In November, she canceled all concerts through May 2011 due to “medical reasons,” but never disclosed the illness. Last Thursday (Dec. 2), the Queen of Soul underwent surgery, which was labeled a success. She released the following statement after the mystery procedure:
“The surgery was highly successful. God is still in control. I had superb doctors and nurses whom were blessed by all the prayers of the city and the country. God bless you all for your prayers!
— The Queen of Soul, Ms. Aretha Franklin”
The Enquirer’s report lists pancreatic survival rates at 5-10%, and even lower for someone of Franklin’s age and weight.
SIDEBAR – Everyone please continue to lift Ms. Franklin up in prayers, for she is more than a ICON,
she is a Sister, Mother, GodMother, Daughter, Friend, Girlfriend, and the list goes on, and on.
Thank you for praying for the real true “Queen of Soul”, Aretha Franklin.
Former American Idol Winner Fantasia had to answer a lot of tough questions this week. Fantasia is scheduled to star as Gospel Great Mahalia Jackson in a big screen movie bio. Fantasia says no contracts have been signed. She was told the investors ran out of money, so she thinks the project is on hold. Reports came out last week producers of the Mahalia project and family members were upset with Fantasia because she is pregnant by a married man. They also claimed she lied about her pregnancy claiming she told them she was gaining weight for the role and not pregnant. Who is telling the truth here? Will this movie ever get made? Fantasia is due at the end of the year. She is not happy with the recent reports about the movie project and questions about her relationship with a married man (Antwaun Cook). This has been a difficult pregnancy for Fantasia.
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Who leaked Diddy’s personal info? The rapper and media mogul is working with authorities to find out who leaked his personal information from his Black American Express Card. His personal numbers and financial information were listed on a website. Whoever did it had to be close to him……. maybe a mad babymomma? Hmmmmmmmmmm!
The re-launch of the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) has been slow. Oprah has returned to TV along with a new addition: The Rosie O’Donnell Show. Both shows debuted to disappointing ratings.
Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton are teaming up for the movie Joyful Noise. The movie also stars KeKe Palmer and Courtney B. Vance and opens in theatres January 13th.
Alicia Keys will be doing the music for the new Broadway production Stick Fly, which debuts later this year.
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Ron Isley says he is looking forward to reteaming with R Kelly for Ron’s next project. Kelly is already working on his own project. Kelly’s CD Black Panties is coming out next year. Kelly says this CD will be very sexy and explicit.
Singer Roberta Flack is getting ready to release a new music project after eight years. The CD, featuring Beatles classics, comes out in February.
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Singer Kenny Lattimore recently opened up about his upcoming divorce from Singer Chante Moore. Lattimore says it is a private matter and that he is not gay, responding to rumors about his sexuality. He says he wishes it would have worked out, but they have a son and will always have a bond.
Mel B wants to lose the baby weight. The former Spice Girl and babymomma of Eddie Murphy recently had a baby girl with her husband Stephen Belafonte. Mel says she wants to lose some weight. She now weighs 165 and wants to get down to 132 with the help of Jenny Craig. Mel B is going to be the spokesperson for their overseas campaign.
Producer/Composer Nile Rodgers of Chic fame has finished his book, and the release date has been moved up. The book, Le Freak: An Upside Down Story Of Family, Disco And Destiny, is coming out October 18th. It will detail his music career and his battle with cancer. Rodgers has worked with Diana Ross, David Bowie, Mick Jagger, Madonna and Sister Sledge.
John Legend is now a television producer. Legend is producing a family comedy for NBC called Mixed Blessings.