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Which piece of advice will most likely cheer up a clinically depressed person?A. “Pull yourself together.”
B. “Look on the bright side.”
C. “Don’t worry. It’s nothing serious.”
The answer: None of the above. Such statements probably will make a depressed mate or friend feel worse.
That’s because depression – an illness characterized by extreme sadness, changes in sleep patterns, appetite, energy level or mental focus – is a touchy subject and difficult to talk about.
Unlike high blood pressure or other health conditions, “there’s unnecessary stigma attached to depression,” says Richard Shadick, Ph.D., director of the counseling center at Pace University in New York. “Some people still view it as a sign of weakness.”
And that makes for awkward conversations on both sides. But talking about depression easily and openly isn’t impossible. With some forethought, you can find the right words to help ease depression’s pain.
Here are 9 statements to skip, and the right way to start a dialogue.
Depression is a miserable experience; no one would choose to have it, says psychologist Shosana Bennett, Ph.D., author of Pregnant on Prozac and a postpartum depression survivor.
If depressed people “could snap out of it, [they] would’ve done so,” she says.People with depression can’t will away the illness any more than they could asthma or diabetes. Like those other conditions, depression has a biological basis.
Imaging studies show that the parts of the brain that regulate mood, thinking, sleep and appetite function abnormally in people with depression. Key mood-regulating brain chemicals, such as serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine, are unbalanced as well.
Some people won’t see a doctor for depression but will agree to a visit for specific symptoms – such as insomnia, loss of appetite or constant fatigue, says Julie Totten, president and founder of Families for Depression Awareness.2. “Just think positive.”
People with depression often perceive themselves and the world in an overly negative light. They’re incapable of seeing the bright side of a situation.
“It’s like you’re wearing these foggy, distorted lenses, which filter out all positive input from the environment,” Bennett says.
When she was depressed, she literally saw the world in drab gray shades, she says.
Implying that recovery should be quick and easy may leave them feeling more discouraged than ever.
Better to say: “We’ll get through this.” This lets the depressed person know the world won’t always seem so dark and hopeless. At the same time, the statement acknowledges that recovery is a process.
Plus, “use of the word ‘we’ is very important,” Bennett says. “A [depressed] person feels all alone, so it’s crucial to reinforce the idea that you’re there for them.”
Treatment with psychotherapy and/or antidepressants can help, and with time can regain a brighter perspective.
3. “Relax. It’s no big deal.”
“Truth is, depression really hurts a person’s ability to function,” says Thomas Wise, M.D., psychiatry professor at George Washington University School of Medicine in Washington, D.C.
It can seriously disrupt home, work or school life, and wreck relationships. Left untreated, depression can even lead to suicide.
If someone is seriously depressed, don’t be afraid to discuss suicide.“People often worry that asking this question will plant the idea,” Totten says.
In fact, asking just lets them know you understand the seriousness of their situation, she says. It also helps you determine if there’s imminent danger.
If they answer “yes,” reassure them that such feelings are temporary. Then call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800 -273-TALK or 800-273-8255) to speak with a crisis worker, who’ll help identify your next step.
4. “I know exactly how you feel.”
This statement sounds empathetic, but really isn’t. If you’ve never been clinically depressed, you can’t know what it feels like.
Even if you have, no two people experience this illness the same way.
“Nobody can know how anyone else feels unless they ask and listen carefully to the answer,” says Elizabeth Babcock, LCSW, a psychotherapist in McMurray, Pa.
Better to say: “Do you want to talk?”
But preface your question with a statement that lets the person know you want to understand, Babcock suggests. For example: “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” Or, “I don’t know what it’s like to experience what you’re going through, but I’d really like to understand it better – if you want to tell me.” Or, “I’ve been depressed, too, and I can’t know what your experience is like, but I know mine was really hard.”
After you state your concern, ask questions and really listen to the answers.
“Alcohol may lessen the immediate pain of depression, but over time, it only makes the hurt worse,” Wise says.
Trying to self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs can also lead to addiction and new problems. Plus, abusing alcohol or other drugs increases the suicide risk by impairing judgment and promoting impulsive behavior.
Exercise is a proven mood-lifter, according to a 2005 University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center study. Researchers found it’s as effective as antidepressants in treating mild to moderate depression.Walking together also helps the person stay physically healthy and socially connected.
Plus, it’s good for you too, which is important. It’s easy to overlook your own health when caring for someone else.
Or pick another cardio activity your depressed loved one once enjoyed, even if they can’t get pleasure from it right now. If they’re reluctant, say it’s a favor to you. For example: “I’ve been wanting to try this yoga class. Will you come with me?”
6. “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.”
A judgmental tone makes depressed people feel sadder.
“[They’re] already judging themselves quite harshly,” Babcock says.
If you’re critical, they’re “being abused from within and without,” he says.
Better to say: “This can happen to the best of us.” Rather than fueling misplaced self-blame, send a message that depression isn’t their fault.
This also underscores the fact that it’s a common illness striking women of every age and background. One in four U.S. women will experience serious depression at some point in her life, according to NMHIC.
One of Bishop Eddie Long’s accusers has been arrested. 24-year old Jamal Parris was one of the four young who accused Bishop Long of sexual misconduct. The four men got a private apology and a $25 million payout that they split. Parris was driving a brand new white BMW that had no tags. Police noticed the missing tags and stopped the car. They smelled marijuana and arrested him. Police also found $1,200 in cash and a hand gun. Parris was arrested in Florida and released.
Bishop Eddie Long has returned to the pulpit after settling with the four young men who accused him of sexual misconduct. Bishop Long faced accusations from the young men who claimed they were given cars, trips, jewelry and cash in exchange for sex. Long denied the allegations, but he settled with the men to the tune of $15 million. Since the allegations, Long’s church, New Birth Missionary Baptist of Atlanta, has lost membership. Bernice King, the youngest daughter of Martin Luther King and Coretta Scott King, has announced she is leaving New Birth. Long released a statement that King would be leaving to continue to the work of her parents. Because Bishop Long was considered a spiritual mentor to King, speculation is being fueled that her disappointment in him and this settlement is the real cause of her leaving. It was Bishop Long who officiated over Coretta Scott King’s funeral in 2006.
We recently reported that the Rev. Bernice King stepped down as an elder at the Newbirth Missionary Baptist church. Many believed that her departure was related to the recent settlement between Bishop Eddie Long and the young men who accused him of sexual misconduct. Rev. King’s actions certainly caused a stir.
RELATED: Eddie Long’s Church Is Collapsing, Says Source
As the daughter of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, her actions are watched closely and were interpreted as a verdict of judgment on Newbirth. It turns out that Bernice King’s decision to step down was not related to the legal problems of the pastor. Speaking to the radio station Praise 102.5 based in Atlanta, King told the outlet that “her decision to leave her post is unrelated to Bishop Eddie Long’s recent settlement of four sexual misconduct lawsuits.” In fact, the reverend intends to start her own ministry, according to the interview she gave host Rhodell Lewis. Now that’s a shocker, and seems like “perfect timing.”
After all the back and forth drama, the lawsuit against Bishop Eddie Long has been resolved, according to plaintiffs’ attorney B.J. Bernstein. New Birth Missionary Baptist Church attorney Barbara Marschalk said she anticipates the complaint will be dismissed by Friday. Long’s spokesman could not immediately be reached for comment.
Long is a father of four who has been an outspoken opponent of gay marriage, and his church has counseled gay members to become straight. But the TV preacher’s empire was threatened last September when the four men sued.
The men claimed Long abused his spiritual authority and used cars, jewelry and cash to lure them into trysts when they were 17 and 18. Local and state authorities did not investigate any possible crime because Georgia’s age of consent is 16.
The trial was set to begin later this year if a settlement had not been reached. Bernstein had said that she didn’t have much physical evidence backing up the complaints but that she planned to subpoena records from Long to show he traveled with the young men to New Zealand and elsewhere.
Two of the young men claimed he targeted them after they enrolled in the church’s LongFellows Youth Academy, a program that taught teens about sexual, physical and financial discipline. The other two — one of whom attended a satellite church in Charlotte, N.C. — have made similar claims.
Long said in court documents that he often encouraged his church members to call him “daddy” and that some even called him “grandaddy,” but he said the term was a sign of respect.
The pastor also said in the documents that he has shared rooms with some of his church members, and that his parishioners often hug him. And while he admitted to giving the plaintiffs gifts, he said he often provided many members of his church with financial help.
T.D Jakes Admonishes Rev. Franklin Graham for Questioning Pres. Obama’s Faith. Coming off the success of his hit film “Jumping the Broom,” Bishop T. D. Jakes appears on TV One’s “Washington Week with Roland Martin” Sunday at 11am Eastern.On the show, taped on Friday, host Roland Martin asked Bishop Jakes to respond to comments made by conservative preacher Franklin Graham:
Roland Martin: Rev. Franklin Graham has made some comments on several occasions as recently as three weeks ago really questioning, if you will, the faith of the President. He said the President has told him he’s a Christian, but he basically said that going to church does not make you a Christian. But the President is on record as saying that he walked down that aisle, he gave his life to Christ, so what do you say to folks like Rev. Graham who, frankly, are muddying the water but other people who are questioning the Christianity of this President?
Bishop T.D. Jakes: I find it insulting. We didn’t question the Christianity of President Bush when he said he accepted Christ, and I’m disappointed in Rev. Franklin Graham in that regard. I wish he had the diplomacy of his father, who brought the gospel to people without being nuanced by politics because when you do those things you offend people that you are actually called to save and to serve. And I would hope that he would see the rationale in apologizing for such statements – because if the President’s faith is suspect then all of our faiths are suspect, because the Bible is quite clear about what it takes to be saved and the President has been quite open about his accepting Christ and him openly confessing it before men. And if it’s good enough for the Bible it ought to be good enough for the rest of us.
SEATTLE — For three weeks, Timothy Dampier sang and played music at the New Hope Baptist Church.
He was known as an extremely talented musician, but that all changed when a young man stepped forward and told the pastor that Dampier molested him years ago.
“He had had some experiences that bordered on abuse,” said Rev. Robert Jeffrey. “It was enough for us to say, ‘We needed to call the police.’”
Prosecutors have now charged Dampier with multiple counts of child molestation.
Court documents say at least three victims, who are now in their 20s, accuse Dampier of fondling them on multiple occasions, and showed them pornography.
Detectives say Dampier worked in various group homes, churches and charities, including the Bellevue Boys and Girls Club, where he worked until he was recently suspended.
Seattle police say additional people have come forward since the story broke to say they, too, were molested by Dampier.
“I think people need to understand these things sometimes are (the) tip of the iceberg,” said Jeffrey.
Jeffrey says his responsibility is to the victims and the community.
“The church becomes suspect when it condones in it’s complicity,” he said.
That’s why he stepped forward and called police. He just hopes other victims will feel comfortable enough to step forward, too
“We have a responsibility. Sometimes people get forgiveness confused with justice. Forgiveness is one thing, justice is another,” said Jeffrey.
The Eddie Long scandal is starting to affect his church. The tithes, offerings and attendance have gone down at The New Birth Missionary Church in Georgia. Staff has also been cut, and the salaries of workers have been reduced. Last year, King was involved in a scandal involving young men at his church.
SIDEBAR – We walk by faith not sight, correct Bishop Long.
OR – by thy money……
Lawyers for both sides in the sexual misconduct case against Bishop Eddie Long are continuing to bicker over the deposition schedule, according to the Atlanta Journal Constitution.
Judge Johnny Panos last month signed an order requiring all parties to agree on a mediator no later than Jan. 31 or the court would appoint one. Mediation of the case would begin during the week of Feb 14, according to the order.
Now at issue is who will give a sworn deposition first. Lawyers for the defendants requested the men, who have accused Long of using his influence, trips and gifts to entice them into sexual relationships, be deposed first. But B.J. Bernstein, who represents the plaintiffs, wants Long and church members to also be deposed early in the process.
“We just want a fair and balanced deposition schedule,” Bernstein said Wednesday “Not just one side.”
Four men — Maurice Robinson, Jamal Parris, Anthony Flagg and Spencer LeGrande — have sued the prominent Lithonia megachurch pastor and the 25,000-member New Birth Missionary Baptist Church in State Court of DeKalb County.
Lawyers for the defendants, who could not be reached for comment, have asked for clarification of Judge Johnny Panos’ order on the depositions, which appears to have Parris deposed first.
Long has denied the allegations. In his responses to the suits, Long admitted occasionally sharing a room with members of his congregation, but in each of the responses, he said, “The plaintiff’s claims of sexual misconduct are not true.”
Kobe Bryant has been trying to keep a low profile during the off season and the NBA lockout, but his sloppy cheating keeps getting in the way.Bryant is currently being sued by an Ohio prostitute. She claims that she has been seeing him for years, and he promised to buy her a ring. Where is Bryant’s wife Vanessa you may ask? Why she’s playing the role of the quiet wife who will do anything for the right amount of diamonds and money.