The Essence of Success

Don’t become involved with men or women who you know are married. This should be obvious, but there are all kinds of ways for married people to explain their situation. For example, a man may tell you that he’s separated from his wife, or a woman may say that the divorce is almostfinal. Almost doesn’t count. Inviting these people into your life is like inviting heartbreak-and possibly bodily injury. 

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  Trust your instincts. If you have a feeling that something is wrong, don’t ignore it. Where there is smoke, there is usually fire.

   
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  Watch for obvious signs. OK, the wedding ring should clear up your doubts right away. Assuming the person is smart enough to take his or her ring off, though, there may still be a tan line on the ring finger. What about the pictures of that woman in his wallet or the photo of that man on her desk? Obvious clues should raise legitimate concerns, and you should ask about them and maybe do some investigating.

   
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  Consider whether your meetings with the person are strange in any way. If the person won’t give you his or her phone number, but rather insists only on calling you, that should be a red light. The same can be said if they’ll only give you their cell phone or work number. If your meetings always have to be prearranged and have strict time frames, that’s another bad sign. When you go out, do you always have to go someplace far away (another town or neighborhood, for example), or does the person always want to stay in? That should set off an alarm. Have you ever seen his or her house, or does the person always want to go to your house? Do you even know where he or she lives? In a normal dating relationship, you shouldn’t have these constraints, so if you do, there’s probably something wrong.

   Watch for strange behavior while on dates. If your date’s cell phone rings at the restaurant and he or she has to urgently flee your table to answer it, you may be tempted to wonder why. Give in to that temptation. It could be an important work call, but then again, it could be his or her spouse, and the latter possibility becomes increasingly plausible if it seems to happen time and time again. You also should think it strange if he or she sees someone and tries to avoid them.
   
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    Watch his or her reaction when you talk about family or past relationships. Usually these things come up in the course of conversation, but if you’re suspicious, you may want to tactfully bring them up. If the person seems uncomfortable talking about such subjects, or if their body language indicates that they may be lying, your suspicions may be warranted.

     
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    Your date may give you strange or suspicious reasons for not wanting to go to certain places. Consider this a red flag because they may be avoiding these areas so they aren’t seen by anyone they know that could tell their spouse about what’s going on.

     
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    Make sure you meet the person’s friends. At some point, usually early, in a relationship, you should probably have occasion to meet some of the person’s friends. If you don’t, he or she may be hiding you from them. The same could be true if you meet one or two of the person’s friends, but only those one or two every time.

     
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    Make sure you’re satisfied with the answers to your questions. If you ask the person about something strange that’s happening, make sure you believe what he or she says. If you have lingering doubts, it may be time to end the relationship or at least to do a little investigating. Telling lies isn’t a big deal for someone who is cheating on his or her spouse, so don’t be blinded by love into accepting whatever answer you’re given.

     
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    Drive by his or her house or stop by unexpectedly. This assumes you know where the person lives, and it also assumes that you believe you have reason to be suspicious. Usually a visit to the house will quickly tell you if the person is married.

  • Do some sleuthing. A simple internet search for the person’s name may turn up some interesting information, such as photos of him and his wife at a party or their names appearing together on a club’s membership roster. If you want to get a little bit more involved, you can do a public records search and look for things like joint home ownership. A person’s car can also provide you some clues. Does the registration in the glove box list two names, for example, or somebody else’s name? Is their lipstick in your man’s car?
     
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      Hire a pro. Relationships are built on trust, and it’s hard to remain trustworthy yourself when you’re hiring a private investigator, but if you really need answers it may be the way to go.

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